Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
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*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .