People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
You Might Also Like
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?