If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
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[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
how much does a mortician urn in a year
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …