guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
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Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
Google reviews are always so mixed..
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle