Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
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I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.