Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
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this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.