FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
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My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
I’m being attacked 😭
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.