[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
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[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
we’re dead?
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
When you kidnap a writer.
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
Snapes on a plane.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
my astrological sign is a french fry
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.