[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
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If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.