Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
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Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA