Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
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If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis