*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
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Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.