*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
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I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers