Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
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i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.