Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
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Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
NASA has no chill
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.