(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
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Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
rapatouille
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that