@Playing_Dad: [3am] *nudges wife* No way the old guy blew up all those balloons in Up in 1 night. Honey, you awake? I mean he's like a million years old.

@ChipKellysBalls: Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It's like having a remote to open the fridge.

@neonwario: What did Mozart say to the police clerk? "I'll be Bach" hahaha. What do you mean they're different people

@ThisOneSayz: Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big. Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he? Me: on the wall! Hitman: that's a spider Me: kill it!

@thatdutchperson: [finds sock with hole in it] *gets angry* [puts sock back in same drawer] *repeats forever*