@ljoywilliams: Seriously hackers, y'all gotta do better. I don't need leaks from HBO, I need my student loan balance reduced to $12

@PJTLynch: Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat

@KalvinMacleod: ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark SHARK: [biting my torso] today's your lucky day ME: *gets hit by lightning*

@AGreaterMonster: The odds of an asteroid hitting Earth are the same as one bullet hitting another bullet in a duel. Dinosaurs: We'll take those odds!

@david8hughes: [me narrating a documentary about the pyramids] I really want a Toblerone for some reason.