[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
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IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.