[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
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[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break