GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
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Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening