guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
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alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.