My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
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ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.