Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
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A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!