GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
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burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.