GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
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If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
why would tinder want me to say this
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed