Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
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Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
i think my razor is having a panic attack
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows