Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
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Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
why no one uses midhusbands
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never