GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
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My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
😂 amazing answer
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work