Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
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I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.