Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
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If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
Is your wife single?
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle