Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
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Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Sing it!
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
i hope my email finds you on fire
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.