Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
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This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.