[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
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Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
A roof is a house hat.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…