[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
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a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
Worst perfume name ever.
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.