[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
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To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
me
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
Wait a minute
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.