Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
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God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
Me, flirting😏