Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
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Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG