Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
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My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?