@bridger_w: Guy in the dressing room next to mine: "I don't want to get blood on these pants." I want to reply, "Then stay out of my way on the catwalk"
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@GrandadJFreeman: Most girls: "I hangout with guys, there's less drama." Me: "I hangout by myself. There's no drama & I don't have to wear pants."
@NicestHippo: [doing standup] So I live in Kansas— [hysterical laughter] That…that wasn't the joke
@bourgeoisalien: The number one cause of depression in people over 30 is hearing co-workers resentfully sing, "Happy Birthday" just to get cake.