@bridger_w: Guy in the dressing room next to mine: "I don't want to get blood on these pants." I want to reply, "Then stay out of my way on the catwalk"
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@abhorrent_wife: Sometimes I'll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he's reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
@noneofyours99: * thinks of a tweet before falling asleep * decided to remember a "key word* so I can remember it * wakes up * forgot key word
@MrGeorgeWallace: Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It'd be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. "We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!"