[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
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My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?