there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
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I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
My inexpensive home security system…
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system