Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
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ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.