guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
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“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.