guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
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Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
And bowling should be called pinball
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.