[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
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Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
me as a parent
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
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No, why?
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.