Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
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Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.