Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
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So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
ok this is my dumbest yet
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
[canadians at you, canadianly]
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.