Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
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I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
I am crying
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.