Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
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Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me