GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
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and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
A choir of Spring onions
brian had himself a morning…
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.