guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
You Might Also Like
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
*3.5 thank you very much.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?