GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
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One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
HELP 😭
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5