Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
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Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
No one :
Me when I swimming :
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.